I ALWAYS wanted to be an actor but was too ashamed to admit it.
So the dream laid latent, buried deep inside me - as I burrowed through a series of corporate jobs from advertising to TV programming to movie producing - before a wake-up call when 9/11 happened.
What if I died the next day? Would I have any regrets? And from that day, I felt I lived for a purpose. I was about to live my dream.
Two years of bit parts to learn the craft of acting soon landed me a contract with SPH MediaWorks in 2004.
I have to confess that at that point I felt I had arrived. Not that I had become a star, but being an actor in Singapore generally meant having a contract with a TV station.
Unfortunately, that came to a quick end with the TV merger with MediaCorp in the same year.
Unable to accept my fate - and armed with my passion to act and my ability to speak Cantonese fluently - I set my sights on Hong Kong.
That decision to make an overseas move took more than a year. I was afraid to leave my comfort zone - the familiarity of home, the network I established, my family and loved ones.
There was also a lot of self-doubt as Hong Kong is all about stars and I never saw myself as a star. All I ever wanted was to be a working actor. I was also not aware of any other independent actor who made it there.
From my years as a movie producer, I came to realise that Singapore actors, unless backed by money, were of little value to them because of the small market.
After months of trepidation and the feeling of 'if I don't do this now I'll die to regret it', I left for Hong Kong telling myself that I would be so lucky if I landed a walk-on part in a movie.
Representation by a management company was the first thing I sought.
There were kind people who pointed me in the right direction.
There were also people who just wanted to profess their self-importance to me to make themselves feel good.
There were also some offers that I passed on, even though they seemed very attractive against the pain of rejection.
A fellow actor once told me never to settle for a relationship that I thought I would regret.
Success comes to some and eludes others - sometimes immediately, while others have to wait for years.
It took more than a year before I landed a role in the movie Painted Skin directed by Gordon Chan. And I am slated for another production in July.
Where will these roles lead me? I can only hope for the best. It was tough uprooting and moving overseas. Inevitably, I wonder if other career options would have offered more stability.
At the same time, rationality has nothing to do with passion.
My friends often remind me that it is my personal choice. It is, indeed.What is there to life if you cannot dream?
myp@sph.com.sg
The writer is a former SPH MediaWorks artiste who acted in the sitcom Okay No Problem and Eric Khoo's anthology series 7th Month.
