SHOULD you kiss and tell all your money secrets when you get married?
No way, say some Singaporean couples who forbid salary and spending topics during pillow talk. But other couples say managing a family's finances requires spouses to bare all. These opposing views - 'don't tell' and 'tell all' - appeal to different people based on their values and upbringing, say credit and family counsellors.
Both approaches have their pros and cons. A hybrid approach may accommodate both partners' preferences, but it also creates more tension as boundaries are not as clear. But in all three models, counsellors say the key to making both the marriage and money work is communication and trust.
Many couples would agree it is important to discuss the purchase of big-ticket items. The devil, however, is in the small items, such as that Prada bag or the final round of mahjong that can seriously dent one's finances.
Lawyers note that money disputes are the root cause of nine in 10 divorce cases. A recent online poll on Singapore couples' spending habits shows 41 per cent point to the amount of personal spending as the main source of financial disagreements.
Still, some couples believe they can get by without revealing their salary, as they prefer to be financially independent. They also say putting all their money in a joint account may expose them to 'spousal revenge', where one partner splurges on, say, a Ferrari or a Gucci wardrobe, after a bitter dispute.
Ms Rose Tan, in her 30s, said the topic of joint accounts never came up when she got married seven years ago. 'My husband and I felt more comfortable keeping our incomes a secret and splitting our expenses equally. We thought it was enough to trust each other to make our own spending decisions.'
So, when Ms Tan, who earns a few thousand dollars in an IT job, racked up $80,000 in debt on her credit lines from nine banks, she kept it a secret from her husband. Her credit woes were not the result of extravagant shopping but were due to medical expenses for her mother and her five-year-old twins.
When her daughters were still unable to speak at age three, Ms Tan was anxious to get treatment for them, but her husband thought otherwise. She went ahead with the therapy anyway, paying out of her own pocket.
The financial burden soon proved too much for her to bear, so she sought help from Credit Counselling Singapore (CCS), which helped her work out a debt servicing arrangement - but also insisted she came clean with her husband.
He was persuaded to share the repayments, and the couple now share more openly about how much they spend. But they still keep their salaries a secret.
Looking back, Ms Tan realised that part of their financial problems arose because of their different upbringing. 'I grew up in a family where everyone volunteered to pay or co-pay. My husband's family always waited for someone else to foot the bill. So, we had to work hard on communicating our financial issues.'
Communication and accountability will help couples avoid financial disputes, regardless of which approach they take, said CCS counsellor Lim Cheng Boon.
However, it is not enough to wait until the honeymoon is over to disclose sensitive information such as salary and debt, said Mr Christopher Chia, a pastor who has counselled couples about marriage issues at Adam Road Presbyterian Church for more than two decades.
'As you move from courtship to marriage, your thinking and vocabulary should change from 'my money' to 'our money',' he explained.
Disclosure and joint financial planning should start after a couple make a lifelong commitment to each other.
'If you don't trust each other with your money, you have no business trusting each other with your lives.'
